Last year around this time, I was a simple minded girl who was happy with getting 2nd runner up. My eyes may have opened on what it takes to win, but my eyes were still not open to the reality that this wasn't for me...until this competition season. All season long I trained (mentally, physically, nutritionally) and I competed like crazy. I got multiple runner up awards and overall interview awards too. And week after week, crown after crown I always held my head high because I always had another chance the following week. Then I didn't have another chance. And when I looked at all those girls I had competed against, knowing some of there true colors behind the makeup and glitz, I decided none of this isn't for someone like me. I'm not a size 2 and never will be. I don't have $500 hair extensions and don't desire to wear them. I will never own a $4000 gown that I only wear 1-3 times, and will never own one except my wedding gown, if that. After not completing my goal, I gave myself to cry for two days. I had no one to go to or talk to. The person who used to be my everything was gone. I didn't feel comfortable talking to people who were just okay friends or just didn't get it. Mom was angry for me because I was too heartbroken over a dream that wasn't meant for me anyway. I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't get out or get up out of bed. I cried multiple times a day. I blamed myself for every situation gone awry, even when I had absolutely nothing to do with it. I felt like no one cared, so I in turn felt that I shouldn't care about anything or anyone. I had even started to give up on my dream of PT school as I began to accept failure as a daily meal. Mind you the onset of depression was not purely because of me losing, there were also devastating issues with work, friendships, and my love life. Stupidly, I rushed and committed to helping these same girls during the week of the state competition that I had longed to be apart of. I already mentally roll my eyes at the "I wish you were competing this week" comments that will come. Apart of me is ready to send a quick e-mail and quit, but I despise breaking commitments without a genuine reason to do so. Apart of my broken heart, surprisingly has optimism that I will gain something out the experience besides a free vacation 40 minutes from where I live currently. Since then, I know I have had no desire to force myself to multiple and crazy workouts each day and week. I have been eating whatever the hell I please, whenever I please and I'm okay with that. Some may call it "eating my feelings", but I'm a foodie by nature and I'm okay with that. In fact, people keep asking if I have lost weight. I can fit smaller sizes in clothes and there hasn't been any drastic changes in my clothes.
In order to "Revamp, Recycle, and Release" myself to better days, I needed to revamp and recycle myself first. The purpose of conservation and recycling is to save materials while also utilizing for other and greater purposes. I finally got two interviews for PT school. I am now officially wait-listed for Texas Tech and will be on my way to interview with another school. I will be putting myself in a bettering situation by finally starting my dream of attending PT school to one day continue helping others. I am done with the superficial stupidity I put my body through for competitions that I was not meant to win. I have discarded people who I was no good for and were also no good for me. I have rekindled fallen relationships and created new friendships for more optimism in my life. I stopped being angry. When certain situations are brought up, I get sad however I can't be angry over what's not in my hands. I have revamped a relationship with God, the one who is in control over everything. I opened my horizons by trying new events and new foods. I even started a new language, Vietnamese! I don't plan to get very far though, haha. For release, I am getting back in contact with my blog, however I believe we shall go private. I can already see the eternal backlash from pageant people over my feelings and my truth alone. I will get back to hot yoga as a great meditation AND a workout so I don't get too complacent with gaining weight. I will also get back on my daily devotional. Having a few moments with God each day, keeps the devil away (for the most part). I know my thoughts are pretty scattered right now, but I am happy to have finally released!
In order to "Revamp, Recycle, and Release" myself to better days, I needed to revamp and recycle myself first. The purpose of conservation and recycling is to save materials while also utilizing for other and greater purposes. I finally got two interviews for PT school. I am now officially wait-listed for Texas Tech and will be on my way to interview with another school. I will be putting myself in a bettering situation by finally starting my dream of attending PT school to one day continue helping others. I am done with the superficial stupidity I put my body through for competitions that I was not meant to win. I have discarded people who I was no good for and were also no good for me. I have rekindled fallen relationships and created new friendships for more optimism in my life. I stopped being angry. When certain situations are brought up, I get sad however I can't be angry over what's not in my hands. I have revamped a relationship with God, the one who is in control over everything. I opened my horizons by trying new events and new foods. I even started a new language, Vietnamese! I don't plan to get very far though, haha. For release, I am getting back in contact with my blog, however I believe we shall go private. I can already see the eternal backlash from pageant people over my feelings and my truth alone. I will get back to hot yoga as a great meditation AND a workout so I don't get too complacent with gaining weight. I will also get back on my daily devotional. Having a few moments with God each day, keeps the devil away (for the most part). I know my thoughts are pretty scattered right now, but I am happy to have finally released!